The following people seem to be a couple of ginger biccies short of a packet. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

1. EyePoker Version 7.1…

Definitely not a ‘packed-train-during-rush-hour’ look.

Very Statue-of-Liberty looking.

How oh how does she manage to sleep at night, ey? I mean, the only way to get any shuteye would be for her to sleep face down – which isn’t the cleverest thing to do …unless you have a pair of gills, that is.

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2. Flower Head…

Erm, dude, you’ve got flowers growing out of your brain. Really bad sign, dude. Really bad sign. The last time I saw flowers growing out of someone’s head, they turned into…

…well, let’s just say it happens in stages.

The headaches are the first sign.

Then the flowers…

Then your hair starts to grow worms.

And then, POOF, you turn into …a cucumber.

There. Told you it was bad.

Terrifying.

Grrr.

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3. Guilty as charged…

And all this time, Bob Marley was selflessly taking the blame for shooting the sheriff when it was little blonde missy here what done it.

It’s payback time, missy.

How did she do it? Shoot the sheriff, you mean? Well, simple. Stand behind her and find out.

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4. Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

…no, it’s Amy Winehouse’s long lost twin, Tammy.

Maybe there’s hope for our Amy yet. Who needs a bloody loser of a husband when you have a twin out there that’s as GA-GA as you are, Amy darling? With follicly-challenging hairdos like those, the pair of ya can take over the frikkin world. THE FRIKKIN WORLD, I tell you. You won’t even have to sing, babes. Do not ask what you can do for your country, but what Max Clifford and Hello Magazine can do for the two of you.

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5. Is it Amy? Is it Tammy?

No, it’s Pammy, the other twin.

Yes, Amy darling, you’re a triplet. See? And she’s dying to meet you. Real impatient and everything.

(’xcuse me, this is getting, like, really emotional. Hold on. Need to go get some tissue. Reunions just choke me up no end. Like, totally.)

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6. There’s no place like…

Dorothy couldn’t find the Yellow Brick Road because, because, because, because, becauuuuuuuse… because Toto fell into a complete and utter puppy-diva strop after the following poodle-looking competition stepped onto the scene trying to outdo him in the woof-woof department.

’Not on’, Toto grrrrrr’d, aiming for their manes.

Took hours to separate them four.

So now Dorothy, Toto, Mr Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man are gonna have to take RyanAir to get to the Land of Oz, but seeing as RyanAir’s gone and started bloody charging to use their bloody in-flight loos and knowing how ticklish Toto’s bladders are, it’s gonna cost a bloody fortune to get there. (take a leaf out of TinTin’s book, Toto. His dog never does a sh*t.)

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7. Donald Frump…

I’m forever indebted to you, Mr Trump, for proving the theory that no matter how much money someone may have in their closet, they can still look naff.

How did you do it, man? How did you make looking ridiculous seem so effortless, so natural?

I envy you.

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8. Babe Magnet…

This would actually be really clever …if it wasn’t so dumb.

And it looks like he knows just how clever, but dumb, it is.

If he didn’t have friends before, he definitely has tons now. Of the imaginary kind.

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9. Hair-Tinted Glasses…

Can’t afford a pair of sunglasses? Well, don‘t despair. Do what this lady’s done by creating a pair of your own with your own hair and you’ll be A.O.K. She’s never looked back since, has done her confidence the world of good, plus she’s actually managed to nab herself a boyfriend in the process too. Yes, her and Mr Babe Magnet. Love at first sight, I’ll have you know.

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10. Mullets United…

This is a bit of a Catch 22, methinks. Is it the face or the mullet that makes the set-up look odd? Would they look any less strange in a…

…come to think of it, can you think of any hairstyle they wouldn’t look odd in?

Bless ‘em.

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11. Rainbow ‘Fro…

This is what happens when you eat a rainbow: you get lumbered with an embarrassing pair of glasses that even Curly from Coronation Street wouldn’t be seen dead in, and a beard with a front parting.

The afro should be the least of his worries.

Really.

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12. Ginger Blancmange…

She really doesn’t look like a very happy bunny, does she?

Contrary to what one might think, her facial expression isn’t your typical model-pouting ‘I-am-beauty-incarnate’ look. It’s more of a ‘oh-f*ck, oh-f*ck, my-hair’ look.

Next time, dear, when a hairdresser says they know what they’re doing, pretend you need to use the loo, then make your escape like pronto.

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13. No Sh*t, Sherlock…

Is this a walking advert for a detox diet, perhaps? Or a cry for help?

I can’t decide.

Maybe he’s an ardent fan of the Poo Queen, Gillian McKeith (of You Are What You Eat fame).

Or maybe it’s a metaphor for something: ‘My Head’s Full of Sh*t’ or ‘As a Man Sh*teth, So is He’.

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14. The Joker plays ball…

Dear Mr Joker,

The whole reason why you were put under the witness protection program was to protect you from all the Gotham City folks you pissed the hell off years ago.

Now, wearing your hair like THAT isn’t exactly gonna hide away the clues to your real identity, is it now?

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15. All Rise…

I have every confidence that this look will catch on …in the year 2560.

What a brave face this young man’s putting on in a world where no one has an Adam’s clue what true fashion is.

We’re just not ready for you, man. We’re just not ready.

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16. Adonis…

With eyebrows that are clearly determined to be together and ears that want to get as far away from his head as possible, why oh why would he then help his face along with a hair cut like THAT?

He’d actually look Ok (ish, ish) if he shaved off everything and just left that thatch of hair at the front.

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17. Human Antlers…

Ooh, ooh, ooh, looks like I’ve found EyePoker Version 7.2.

Hmmm…I wonder how Mr Human Antler would feel if he woke up the next day and everyone around him had the exact same hairstyle as him. Probably wouldn’t feel so special then, would ya, you attention-seeker you?

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18. Love me, Love my Glasses…

Girl: Take off your glasses. I want to see your piercing-blue eyes.

Guy: I can’t.

Girl: Really?

Guy: Really.

Girl: Oh, pleeeeeease.

Guy: I can’t.

Girl: Loser.

Guy: Non-bespectacled woman-sapien-sapien.

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19. Phil ‘Spectacle’ Spector…

Oh dear, Phil Spector’s hair – well it looks like it’s having a bit of an identity crisis, doesn’t it – like it can’t quite decide whether to be an all-out Einstein do or an all-out afro, so it thought ‘damn it’ and went for both.

(is it just me or does he look like Sven-Göran Eriksson?)

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20. Aha, so THAT’S where Gordon Brown’s been going wrong all along…

Get your hair done like this, Gordy boy, and all’s forgiven.

Ok, maybe not. But it’s a start and is bound to be better than that ‘more-boring-than-John-Major’ look you’ve got going.

We suffer when we watch you on TV, Gordy. We do. And if you loved us (like I’m sure deep in your heart you do), you’d do it.

And on that note, I shall leave you with 3 words, Mr Prime Minister:

Reinvention. Reinvention. Reinvention.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 31st, 2009 at 8:18 am and is filed under Fashion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.