The following people seem to be a couple of ginger biccies short of a packet. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

1. EyePoker Version 7.1…

Definitely not a ‘packed-train-during-rush-hour’ look.

Very Statue-of-Liberty looking.

How oh how does she manage to sleep at night, ey? I mean, the only way to get any shuteye would be for her to sleep face down – which isn’t the cleverest thing to do …unless you have a pair of gills, that is.

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2. Flower Head…

Erm, dude, you’ve got flowers growing out of your brain. Really bad sign, dude. Really bad sign. The last time I saw flowers growing out of someone’s head, they turned into…

…well, let’s just say it happens in stages.

The headaches are the first sign.

Then the flowers…

Then your hair starts to grow worms.

And then, POOF, you turn into …a cucumber.

There. Told you it was bad.

Terrifying.

Grrr.

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3. Guilty as charged…

And all this time, Bob Marley was selflessly taking the blame for shooting the sheriff when it was little blonde missy here what done it.

It’s payback time, missy.

How did she do it? Shoot the sheriff, you mean? Well, simple. Stand behind her and find out.

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4. Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

…no, it’s Amy Winehouse’s long lost twin, Tammy.

Maybe there’s hope for our Amy yet. Who needs a bloody loser of a husband when you have a twin out there that’s as GA-GA as you are, Amy darling? With follicly-challenging hairdos like those, the pair of ya can take over the frikkin world. THE FRIKKIN WORLD, I tell you. You won’t even have to sing, babes. Do not ask what you can do for your country, but what Max Clifford and Hello Magazine can do for the two of you.

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5. Is it Amy? Is it Tammy?

No, it’s Pammy, the other twin.

Yes, Amy darling, you’re a triplet. See? And she’s dying to meet you. Real impatient and everything.

(’xcuse me, this is getting, like, really emotional. Hold on. Need to go get some tissue. Reunions just choke me up no end. Like, totally.)

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6. There’s no place like…

Dorothy couldn’t find the Yellow Brick Road because, because, because, because, becauuuuuuuse… because Toto fell into a complete and utter puppy-diva strop after the following poodle-looking competition stepped onto the scene trying to outdo him in the woof-woof department.

’Not on’, Toto grrrrrr’d, aiming for their manes.

Took hours to separate them four.

So now Dorothy, Toto, Mr Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man are gonna have to take RyanAir to get to the Land of Oz, but seeing as RyanAir’s gone and started bloody charging to use their bloody in-flight loos and knowing how ticklish Toto’s bladders are, it’s gonna cost a bloody fortune to get there. (take a leaf out of TinTin’s book, Toto. His dog never does a sh*t.)

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7. Donald Frump…

I’m forever indebted to you, Mr Trump, for proving the theory that no matter how much money someone may have in their closet, they can still look naff.

How did you do it, man? How did you make looking ridiculous seem so effortless, so natural?

I envy you.

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8. Babe Magnet…

This would actually be really clever …if it wasn’t so dumb.

And it looks like he knows just how clever, but dumb, it is.

If he didn’t have friends before, he definitely has tons now. Of the imaginary kind.

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9. Hair-Tinted Glasses…

Can’t afford a pair of sunglasses? Well, don‘t despair. Do what this lady’s done by creating a pair of your own with your own hair and you’ll be A.O.K. She’s never looked back since, has done her confidence the world of good, plus she’s actually managed to nab herself a boyfriend in the process too. Yes, her and Mr Babe Magnet. Love at first sight, I’ll have you know.

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10. Mullets United…

This is a bit of a Catch 22, methinks. Is it the face or the mullet that makes the set-up look odd? Would they look any less strange in a…

…come to think of it, can you think of any hairstyle they wouldn’t look odd in?

Bless ‘em.

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11. Rainbow ‘Fro…

This is what happens when you eat a rainbow: you get lumbered with an embarrassing pair of glasses that even Curly from Coronation Street wouldn’t be seen dead in, and a beard with a front parting.

The afro should be the least of his worries.

Really.

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12. Ginger Blancmange…

She really doesn’t look like a very happy bunny, does she?

Contrary to what one might think, her facial expression isn’t your typical model-pouting ‘I-am-beauty-incarnate’ look. It’s more of a ‘oh-f*ck, oh-f*ck, my-hair’ look.

Next time, dear, when a hairdresser says they know what they’re doing, pretend you need to use the loo, then make your escape like pronto.

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13. No Sh*t, Sherlock…

Is this a walking advert for a detox diet, perhaps? Or a cry for help?

I can’t decide.

Maybe he’s an ardent fan of the Poo Queen, Gillian McKeith (of You Are What You Eat fame).

Or maybe it’s a metaphor for something: ‘My Head’s Full of Sh*t’ or ‘As a Man Sh*teth, So is He’.

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14. The Joker plays ball…

Dear Mr Joker,

The whole reason why you were put under the witness protection program was to protect you from all the Gotham City folks you pissed the hell off years ago.

Now, wearing your hair like THAT isn’t exactly gonna hide away the clues to your real identity, is it now?

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15. All Rise…

I have every confidence that this look will catch on …in the year 2560.

What a brave face this young man’s putting on in a world where no one has an Adam’s clue what true fashion is.

We’re just not ready for you, man. We’re just not ready.

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16. Adonis…

With eyebrows that are clearly determined to be together and ears that want to get as far away from his head as possible, why oh why would he then help his face along with a hair cut like THAT?

He’d actually look Ok (ish, ish) if he shaved off everything and just left that thatch of hair at the front.

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17. Human Antlers…

Ooh, ooh, ooh, looks like I’ve found EyePoker Version 7.2.

Hmmm…I wonder how Mr Human Antler would feel if he woke up the next day and everyone around him had the exact same hairstyle as him. Probably wouldn’t feel so special then, would ya, you attention-seeker you?

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18. Love me, Love my Glasses…

Girl: Take off your glasses. I want to see your piercing-blue eyes.

Guy: I can’t.

Girl: Really?

Guy: Really.

Girl: Oh, pleeeeeease.

Guy: I can’t.

Girl: Loser.

Guy: Non-bespectacled woman-sapien-sapien.

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19. Phil ‘Spectacle’ Spector…

Oh dear, Phil Spector’s hair – well it looks like it’s having a bit of an identity crisis, doesn’t it – like it can’t quite decide whether to be an all-out Einstein do or an all-out afro, so it thought ‘damn it’ and went for both.

(is it just me or does he look like Sven-Göran Eriksson?)

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20. Aha, so THAT’S where Gordon Brown’s been going wrong all along…

Get your hair done like this, Gordy boy, and all’s forgiven.

Ok, maybe not. But it’s a start and is bound to be better than that ‘more-boring-than-John-Major’ look you’ve got going.

We suffer when we watch you on TV, Gordy. We do. And if you loved us (like I’m sure deep in your heart you do), you’d do it.

And on that note, I shall leave you with 3 words, Mr Prime Minister:

Reinvention. Reinvention. Reinvention.

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The UK has offered the modeling world a multitude of beautiful faces and trend-setting personalities; more than that, it has provided prime examples of a particular breed of model: the celebrity. These women do more than walk well and photograph like a dream. They move beyond to explore a variety of career options in acting, writing, music, and more. Read on for UK fashion models who went on to become celebrities.

KATE MOSS

Now a Tabloid Princess, Kate Moss didn’t get her start appearing as a troubled celebrity on the cover of National Enquirer; for that matter, her star wasn’t born through her musical collaboration with Primal Scream or as Blackadder’s Maid Marian on British TV. London-born Kate is the supermodel best known for exemplifying the 1990’s trend of “heroin chic”, and for working with enough fashion icons (Calvin Klein, Vuitton, Gucci, Chanel, etc) to be an icon in her own right.

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KATIE PRICE
Some call her Jordan, some call her Katie, but everyone calls her successful. Hailing from Brighton, Katie Price has thrown her hat into so many rings (with measurable success, it’s worth noting) it can be easy to forget where she started. This best-selling author with a platinum record, personal documentary and a work-out DVD first found fame as a topless model on The Sun’s Page Three.

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TWIGGY

Question: which London-born woman has appeared in eighteen movies, made over fifteen television appearances, and made some twenty recordings, but is still best known for her big, heavily-lashed eyes, stick-like frame, and being one of the most famous models of all time? Answer: the original model-waif, Twiggy. A fixture of the 1960’s, Twiggy set both the example and the standard for models seeking to carry their fame beyond the catwalk. Her modeling career was short (only four years!) but her legend lives on.

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NAOMI CAMPBELL

With her exotic features and endless confidence, native Londoner Naomi Campbell has been a fixture of the modeling world since the 1980’s. The difference between then and now? Back then, she was one of only a few black women making a serious statement in the industry, paving the way for ethnic models of the future one cover of Vogue at a time. Now she’s the 38-year old modeling powerhouse whose moved into writing (‘Swan’ was publishing in 1994), music (check out album Baby Woman), and acting.

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LILY COLE

Looking for the model-turned-celebrity of the future? Count on Torquay-born Lily Cole to follow where the previously mentioned women have led. Still in her modeling prime (she was born in 1988), this wide-eyed, doll-faced model is a current It Girl of fashion, appearing frequently for Chanel, Versace, Louis Vuitton and their likes, but hasn’t held back from pursuing a career in acting and controversy.

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This month we’re talking to Janey Marshall, entrepreneur and
MD of Basically Black who bravely took the decision to
launch a new business right as the credit crunch started to
take hold. Chatting to her during the photo shoot of her new
spring/summer range, it soon became clear why this business
is so successful.
Janey, whose previous career was in national advertising, saw
an opening – or it could be described as a gaping hole – in
the market. Apart from wanting a job that fitted better round
her family, she realised the importance of the colour ‘black’ in
a woman’s wardrobe. It’s her staple colour and that of her
sister-in-law Sam (who doubles up as her model), as well as
millions of women all over the UK. So that is what she set out
to offer.
Representative of her target audience, Janey sources some of
the very best black garments available and sells them via her
website, www.basicallyblack.com, where you’ll also find
lots of useful fashion information and tips. You’ll find labels
such as Great Plains, Almost Famous and Gustuz, with prices
ranging from £12 for a simple vest top to £250 for a
designer dress.
And her other secret ingredient is the emphasis she puts on
customer service. All items arrive promptly and beautifully
wrapped, and she insists on personally answering all emails
she receives from the site. Prior to launching Basically
Black, Janey made sure she understood what her customers
wanted by creating a blog and has been actively involved in
every step of the company’s development since then.
It’s confirmed, black is the new black!
“Charlie is the best photographer I have found, he’s so
versatile, professional and always listens carefully to what I
need to achieve from each photo shoot.”

Okay, ladies, you know how much you love your shoes, right? However, as a fashionista, I must admit that there are some designer shoes I wouldn’t be caught dead in, no matter what brand name they carry. In the fashion world, its okay to have limits, especially when you are avoiding a trend that someone is trying to create simply for the publicity.

1- Grandma Miniskirt Shoes

Such is the case with the new Scorah Patullo shoes seen here:

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Honestly, these are the most hideous and, surprisingly, expensive shoes I’ve ever seen. What would you wear with them? My gut instinct says a grandma sweater and mini-skirt because no other mismatched outfit would be suitable for such poorly planned shoes.

2-  Mischa Barton’s Shoes

One place we tend to see the worst shoes are, you guessed it, on the stars. Many women enjoy trend watching in the tabloids, but from time to time there isn’t a decent trend in sight. Take, for instance the shoes seen on Mischa Barton here:

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So, what’s going on there, exactly? Is it just me or do her feet look painfully smashed into these terrible Maryjane wannabes? I’m a woman who loves her flats, but come on, Mischa! You can do better than that!

3-  Gweneth Paltrow’s Shoes

How about the stars who make mistakes over and over, but continue not to amend their ways? Gweneth Paltrow is a fashion icon for our generation. However, some terribly ugly boots she’s been spotted in will make many think otherwise:

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The ones on the left are interesting. I can honestly say I have never owned strappy boots nor have I ever known someone who’s owned strappy boots. As for the ones on the right, is that a zipper? Need I say more?

 

4- Sandle / Boot Cross Breed?

Every season, there is a shoe that takes the cake. A shoe so hideous and terrible that I almost wish I’d never seen it. This type of shoe makes you wonder what you would do to quiet your laughter if you ever actually ran into them in the real world. This season, we have a winner:

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A thong boot? Really? I thought the point to boots, even stylish ones, was to keep you feet semi-warm and dry. What is even more astounding is that these boots are a whopping $515! Who would pay that price for boots that won’t even keep your feet dry if it’s drizzling?

5- What a Croc

Of course, the end all of all shoes was the creation of the Crocs and their inexplicable rise to popularity with everyone, even babies:

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Look down. If you are wearing Crocs right now you’ve officially given up on fashion trends.

I don’t mean to be judgemental, but ladies, have discretion. Don’t wear something simply because the stars are wearing it. Wear it because it looks good.

Vivienne Westwood one of the most significant and recognized designers in the twentieth century. When Vivienne Westwood speaks, the design world listens. Borne in Glossop, Derbyshire, UK on August 4, 1941, Vivienne Westwood was little known at age 25. She then met and later married Malcolm McLaren. Malcolm McLaren was instrumental in guiding and redirecting Vivienne’s life.

Twice named as British Designer of the Year, she has been influential in guiding the direction in which British wools, tweeds linens and tartans just to name a few have been taken.

As a famous and one whose designs are sought after worldwide, Vivienne Westwood has articulated quotes sending those within her origin and under her guidance in directions never ventured throughout the world. Achievement is a major focus of Ms Westwood. Some of the most prolific quotes coming from Vivienne Westwood have been immortalized and will be spoken by those in fashion for generations to come.

Quotes such as:

“Yes, the bras give a very good figure” provide designers and the fashion world alike with the backbone to developing styles conducive to a females figure. The integrity of feminine appeal is based on this one major area of a woman’s’ anatomy.

“The muscular, athletic type is not representative of the human race, who are varied in physique” transitioned the interest and focal fascination of the media and designers from the rugged and muscular to be inclusive of the more diminutive body forms of the male and female physique.

“My son has followed fashion since he was a punk. He and I agree that fashion is about sex.“ Fashion is totally about sex. The male and female demonstrated desire can be stimulated based on the appeal of an outfit accentuating certain parts of the body.

“My clothes are very popular in Japan” and have become increasingly sought after in America.

“It is not possible for a man to be elegant without a touch of femininity.” Elegance is in direct correlation with femininity. The appeal and significance of an elegant male is somewhat based on his ability to tap into his feminine side.

“I’d done a fragrance before, but in a small way, and now I wanted to wait for the right time to make an important fragrance statement. “ Our sense of smell is drawn to a fragrance that makes a statement. When providing descriptive phrases to direct an individuals desire, we focus our efforts on sex appeal in combination with nature.

“I was the first person to have a punk rock hairstyle. The Vivienne Westwood appeal is completely and emphatically based on punk rock right down to her hair.

“Fashion is very important. It is life-enhancing and, like everything that gives pleasure, it is worth doing well.” Fashion makes a statement. In addition, everyone has a statement to make!

“I am attracted to People who make the effort in knowing what suits them – they are individual and stylish.” The young are ever so aware of their eccentricity. They portray an exceptional sense of style.

“I think it’s important to vote.” Amazing statement of what a country and people value.

Sleek and sexy with accents on all the right curves, the black cocktail dress has a convoluted origin but is no doubt tied to the popularity of cocktail parties which became all the rage in the 1920’s — when alcohol sale and consumption was illegal courtesy of prohibition in the United States.

Not that it mattered, because the cocktail party overcame it’s someone shady beginning and soon established itself as THE place to be. It soon became apparent that the cocktail party had need of its own form of evening attire – some type of evening wear that the rich and neo-rich could slip into. Something that was a little less formal than a tuxedo and formal gown. Something like – the black cocktail dress!

The first black cocktail dresses were made to order for the flapping 1920’s party scene, and in fact the first black cocktail dresses were very similar in design to the waist-less, loose-fitting cut of the then-popular flapper dress As a matter of fact, many women who were instantly attracted to the modern look and feel of the black cocktail dress were flappers. The black cocktail dress was an immediate hit with the younger set due in no small part because the length of black cocktail dresses barely grazed the knee. And like the flapper dress of the times, many black cocktail dresses sported a beaded fringe or fringes, while made of silk fabric or layered chiffon.

As the 1920’s gave way to the early 1930s, cocktail parties became a common social event. The standard design of the tight-waist, knee-length skirted black cocktail dress became accepted attire for older women as well. Silk remained the fabric-of-choice, but the cut of the black cocktail dress evolved into a more refined and sleeker looking dress: black cocktail dresses became more form-fitting and were often decorated with rhinestones and lace. The black cocktail dress soon became an essential part of a woman’s wardrobe, and woe to the woman who showed up at a cocktail party dressed otherwise.

Soon the 1930’s turned a page to the 1940’s which in segued into the 1950’s. All the while the cocktail party became a permanent fixture of our national lexicon. Cocktail parties remained and the black cocktail dress kept pace — although it can be said that women’s cocktail attire took on a somewhat elegant look as the concept of the black cocktail dress borrowed heavily from the design of elegant evening gowns. For a little while at least, the image of having cocktails took on a romantic air.

Not to worry, as the 50s progresses, black cocktail dresses for women evolved into a great many styles: full-length skirts with plunging necklines or curve-hugging designs with embroidered or jewel-studded necklines were the style-of-choice. Furthermore, dress coats and suits in addition to three-piece skirt-suits were popular as well. Naturally accommodated with a matching black bag, shoes and gloves.

With the advent of the 1960’s the standard cocktail dress was not limited just too basic black. Colours became more muted and pastels became increasingly popular. Fabrics such as silver and gold lamé became equally popular. As the sixties progressed, the black cocktail dress narrowed, and for the young, cocktail clothing began to lose its impact as clothing took a 180 degree turn toward new styles and colours. The “cocktail party” was linked more with something your “parents” did. Alcohol consumption at all hours was becoming increasingly more acceptable, time and place seemed less important and cocktail parties began to fade in popularity.

It took nearly 3 decades to pass before cocktail parties became “hip” once again. The 1990s saw a revival of the cocktail tradition, in both music and style. And now in the new millennium, black cocktail dresses remain as popular as ever.

Believe it or not, a lot of handbags and their designers have competed for the coveted title of “most expensive.” And several, ringing in at tens of thousands to even hundreds of thousands of dollars, are in the top running.

But ultimately, the distinction of the most expensive handbag ever made belongs to Japanese designer Ginza Tanaka, for a handbag not much larger than a couple of decks of playing cards.

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The bag was unveiled during London’s 2008 jewelry week with a price tag of £1 million, or roughly $1.45 million. But before you grumble that this bag is just a wee bit out of your price range, consider the handbag’s versatility: the diamond-encrusted strap can be unhooked and worn separately as a necklace, while the huge pear-shaped diamond clasp can also do double duty as a brooch. In total, the bag is studded with more than 2,000 diamonds weighing in at 208 carats.

And although the other contenders for most expensive handbag are considerably lower priced than the Tenaka clutch – in fact, by comparison, they’re downright cheap!- it’s a pretty good bet your tax refund isn’t going to cover these babies, either.

Got a cool quarter mil? Then you almost have enough to buy the second most expensive handbag, this time by Chanel.

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The design icon’s Diamond Forever tote will only set you back about $261,000 … if you can find one. Only 13 were ever made, and apparently, they sold out pretty quickly early last year. This white shoulder bag is made of farmed alligator skin and features the famous Chanel “C”s encrusted in 334 diamonds set in 18K white gold, for a total carat weight of 3.56 carats!

If your wad of cash is only half that amount, take heart: You can still purchase the Crocodile Birkin by Hermes.

 
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At $120,000, this bag is made of, yep, crocodile skin, and is accented by a clasp embedded with 10 carats of diamonds set in white gold. If you thought it’d be difficult finding one of only 13 Chanel bags, consider this: only two of the Crocodile Birkins were ever made.

For a cool hundred grand, you can whoop it up Hollywood style, with the Lana Marks white alligator Cleopatra Clutch.

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The top of this bag is encrusted with 1,500 black and white faceted round cut diamonds, and only five of these bags are made each year. The designer makes a limited edition version every Oscar season, for one actress annually. So far, two of the bag’s owners – Charlize Theron and Helen Mirren – won awards while toting the bags.

But maybe you’re weary of diamonds and want to add some other sparkling gems to your wardrobe. In that case, the Leiber Precious Rose bag is for you.

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Sure, it has 1,016 diamonds. But it also sports 1,169 pink sapphires and 800 pink tourmalines, all set in 18K white gold at a price tag of $92,000.