Did you see last week’s episode of Trinny and Susannah Undress the Nation? The dynamic duo had it in for black clothes this time, saying British women wear far too  much black, and that it’s time we stopped. Claiming that they were going to disprove the ‘myth’ that black is slimming and flattering, they took a woman who loves wearing black, and dressed her first in the most shapeless, baggy, sacklike black clothes they could find, and then in a neat little red dress that fitted her perfectly. Surprise, surprise, the red outfit was judged more flattering, but come on ladies, isn’t that cheating just a little bit? I’d totally agree that the black outfit they chose did nothing for their model, but the same thing in red or blue or yellow would have been just as bad, if not worse. If you really think black isn’t slimming or flattering, why not compare two identical outfits in red and black?

What made me laugh even more is that both Trinny and Susannah are often either photographed in the press or appear in their own shows wearing black themselves!
There is absolutely no denying that black is one of the most versatile, chic and flattering colours a woman can wear and that is precisely why we all do! It would have made a lot more sense if Trinny and Susannah had talked more about how to wear black clothes and how to team them up with colours and accessories that will create fabulous outfits.

Whether it’s a classic little black dress or the perfect pair of black trousers, I don’t know a single woman who wouldn’t put something black on the list of clothes that make her feel confident, stylish and yes, slimmer as well. So sorry, Trinny and Susannah, but I don’t think you’re going to banish black any time soon!

Have you got a little black dress in your wardrobe, that takes you anywhere, always looks flattering, and never seems to date? Then congratulations: you’re wearing a fashion icon. The Fashion and Textile Museum in London is holding an exhibition devoted to the LBD, which it calls ‘an icon of modern dressing’.

Apparently, before Coco Chanel invented the Little Black Dress in 1926, black dresses were only for funerals and domestic servants; the sleeveless silk shift she created rewrote all the rules, and hasn’t been out of fashion since.

There’ll be over 60 on show, from designers including Zandra Rhodes, Biba, John Galliano, Nicole Farhi and Ben de Lisi, and celebrities have lent their own favourites (rather them than me; if I lent mine out, I’d be sure to find myself with nothing else to wear one night and have to break in to get it back).

There’s a Jean Muir that Joanna Lumley says ‘transformed her life’, the sexy Julian McDonald number that Victoria Beckham wore on the cover of her fashion book, and a vintage LBD owned by supermodel Erin O’Connor, who says she never travels anywhere without one. ‘It’s like a blank canvas that can be dressed up or down, whatever the occasion,’ she said at the opening. ‘I think when you buy your first LBD, it’s a sure sign you’ve grown up.’

If you want to see how your own little fashion icon measures up to the ones in the exhibition, it’s on until August 25, at the Fashion and Textile Museum, 83 Bermondsey Street, London SE1 3XF.

Audrey Hepburn’s dress…

One of the black Givenchy dresses made for Hepburn for the film, ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ was sold to an anonymous bidder for a whooping £467,200, far exceeding the £70,000 originally expected.

Yes. Audrey. Hepburn. Givenchy. Dress. £467,200.

That’s for one dress, not two. No freebies thrown in. Not even a copy of the film. Not even a little vial sample of Givenchy perfume.

Marilyn’s ‘Happy Birthday’ dress…

The cost fetched for Hepburn’s dress somewhat pales into the background when compared to how much was paid for the dress Marilyn Monroe wore when she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to the then U.S. President, J.F Kennedy, at Madison Square Gardens in 1962.

At $1,267,500, Marilyn’s dress went into the Guinness Book of World Records as the most expensive garment ever sold.

A Kitty Hoodie…

Is there really anything to say about this that it’s not saying about itself?

I don’t know whether to laugh …or laugh.

It looks strange, cute and scary - like Batman with seee-rious identity issues.

Upon the sight of this hoodie, cats will run, dogs will whimper, and parking attendants shall quickly cross over to the other side of the road.

It’s definitely making a statement. No doubt about that.

Is that yo’ fat wallet or are ya jus’ happy ta see meh…

In 2007, a pair of traditional Austrian ‘Lederhosen’ (knee-length leather trousers) was sold for 85,000 euros to a German living in Dubai.
This pair was apparently made from wild red deer skin and studded with 166 gold-set diamonds.

Three cheers for Wohlmuther, the Austrian designer who created them – if he can charge that much for them and get away with it, then hurrah to the next rich chump that comes along.

Hamburger Baby…

The first step to being at one with a cheeseburger …is to be at one with a cheeseburger.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

This baby looks way too cute in this outfit. He also looks a bit stuck where he is, like he’s thinking ‘I’ve gotta do some serious rocking back and forth so I can build up the momentum to get up.’

Too cute.

Diamond-encrusted Jeans…

The most expensive pair of jeans was launched at London Fashion Week back in February for a mere £640,000.

The ladies’ jeans - 27 inches at the waist (so only for skinny rich cows, then?) – is encrusted with 15 diamonds (each worth up to £135,000).

The first pair was bought by an ‘anonymous buyer’.

The diamonds are attached to each back pocket, so the wearer would have to be careful every time she used the ladies’ room. Can you imagine if one of those £135k babies fell in the loo??? Not funny.

(But funny)

How many pieces of black clothing do think you have in your wardrobe? Five? Ten? Well, if you’re the average British woman, research has shown that the number’s actually more like 47! Apparently, our wardrobes are typically over 40% black, and on average, we’ll own three pairs of black trousers, a pair of black jeans, three black skirts, two black dresses, six black jumpers, 12 black tops, five black coats and 12 pairs of black shoes and boots.
I don’t know about you, but that pretty much sums up my wardrobe, and personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s all very well fashion editors declaring that we should all be wearing ultramarine, or purple, but for those of us who have to throw together a smart outfit in ten minutes flat every morning, black is a godsend. You can dress it up or down, it goes with everything, and it stays looking fresh all day (as long as you avoid Persian cats!).
Black looks expensive, even when it’s not, and while other colours have their moment in the limelight, and then scream ‘last year’, black never goes out of style – those little black dresses Audrey Hepburn wore so beautifully would still take you anywhere today. And best of all, you can put it on, even on a fat day, and instantly look taller and slimmer. So forget diamonds – it’s black that’s a girl’s real best friend.

Is anyone else a bit, well, dazzled by some of the clothes in the shops this summer? The big, splashy prints, the yellows and the electric blues are all very well if you’re 16, but for those of us who won’t see 30 (OK, or 40) again, it’s all a bit too in your face; I don’t want to blend into the background, but I don’t want clothes that scream ‘look at me’ either.
If, like me, you’re looking for something a bit more chic and timeless, I don’t think you can go far wrong with black. We often think of it as a winter colour, but unlike summer’s brights, black looks great whether you have a tan or not, and of course it’s slimming too, which somehow feels even more important in summer, when there’s more of you on show.
Well-cut black linen trousers are a great alternative to the winter ones that most of us live in from September to May, while a sleeveless black shift dress is blissfully cool, yet still looks as though you mean business. At the weekend, a fitted black waistcoat instantly updates the classic white T-shirt and jeans combination, while a chic black sundress in crisp cotton is summer’s version of the classic little black dress, brilliantly easy to dress up or down for anything from a barbecue to a drinks party. And if you’re planning a holiday wardrobe, why not make it easy on yourself? Pack a capsule collection in black and white, and you won’t waste a second of your holiday wondering what to wear.

If you’re petite or even average height, chances are that long, slender legs are one of the things that would be on your wishlist, should you ever bump into a fairy godmother. While we disagree about whether we’d like curly or straight hair, big boobs or small ones, I’d bet there’s hardly a woman under five foot eight who’d turn down the chance to add a couple of inches to her legs. Luckily – what with fairy godmothers being so thin on the ground – there’s lots you can do to make your legs look longer. So if nature didn’t give you legs that go on forever, try these tips and get the lean, leggy look for yourself.

• Avoid cropped trousers; the horizontal line where they end makes legs look shorter.

• High heels are an obvious way to make legs look longer, but only if you can walk confidently in them. If not, you might as well be wearing a sign saying ‘I’m quite short but I want to look taller’. If you tend to totter, go for a lower heel and a pointed toe instead, so there’s a nice tapered line down to the end of your feet.

• High-waisted trousers and skirts, which are in all the shops this summer, make legs look miles longer, just because they seem to start higher. Short jackets and tops can have a similar effect, as long as you wear them over a slim, sleek bottom half.

• Choose bootcut or straight trousers and jeans, and make sure they’re long enough to cover your shoes, so you get a long, clean line. Skinny jeans and flats are cute, but they will make stubby legs look even shorter.

• Avoid horizontal details on skirts, like dropped waists, tiers, or border trims. They chop you into sections so you look shorter.

• Wearing one colour from head to toe, or even just below the waist, means there’s nothing to disturb the eye, so legs look longer. For the ultimate leg lengthener, you can’t beat well-cut black trousers, or a black skirt and black tights, with black shoes.

• For summer, fashion editors swear by  ‘nude’ shoes (that’s beige to you and me). Worn with bare legs or skin-coloured tights, there’s no colour break at your feet, so legs look long and slender.

Whether you’re dressed in Peacocks or Prada, your clothes – and you – will only look their best if you’re wearing the right underwear. Follow the five golden rules, and you’ll never go wrong.
• Never wear white underwear under white clothes – it always shows through. Instead, choose flesh tones, so the lines of your underwear disappear against your skin.
• Please, please don’t ever wear those plastic bra straps. They might be transparent, but they’re far from invisible. If you don’t like wearing a strapless bra, arm yourself with the stylists’ secret weapon, double-sided clothes tape (available from department stores). When you want to wear a strappy top or dress, just use the tape to attach its straps to your bra straps, so they don’t slide out.
• Never wear a lace-trimmed bra under a T-shirt or any kind of clingy, stretchy top; they’ll completely ruin the line of the top, and make it look cheap. Moulded bras (often sold as T-shirt bras) are the way to go here. They give a great shape and a nice smooth line, and you don’t have to worry about your nipples showing through.
• Thongs are often recommended as the best way to banish the dreaded VPL, but if you don’t find them comfortable, go for seamless ‘boy shorts’, cut straight across the leg. They work just as well, skim over any cellulite, and are a whole lot more comfy.
• A stretchy, flesh-coloured camisole top is the easy solution to tops that are a bit see-through, and knits with a big, open texture.

Want to make your clothes budget stretch a little bit further? The secret is knowing which bits of your wardrobe are worth spending money on, and where you can safely snap up a bargain. So if you’re starting to think about new clothes for  summer, commit these rules to memory, and you won’t go far wrong.

When to splurge
Jacket: Even with global warming, it’s rare that you can rely on day-long T-shirt weather during the British summer, so it’s worth spending a bit on a well-cut jacket, in a neutral colour. A really good one will make every outfit look fantastic.
Trousers: If you can find cheap trousers that flatter you, you’re a very lucky woman. Most of the cheaper High Street stores seem to cut for 12 year olds with no hips, and if trousers don’t fit and hang well, they’re not worth buying. So unless you happen to have the figure of a 12 year old with no hips, better to invest in one beautifully cut pair, in a good quality fabric, than six cheap ones you’ll never really feel comfortable in.
Jeans: Again, fit and cut are everything, and jeans are so versatile that it’s worth splashing out on a really fabulous pair that you’ll want to wear all the time.
Swimwear: If you’re going to be wearing something every day of your holiday, it deserves to be something fabulous. Paying a bit extra also means you’re less likely to find yourself in a row of 20 identical bikinis on the beach.
Bras: Lighter, skimpier clothes mean your shape’s more on show during the summer, so invest in a good, professionally fitted bra or two. With the right bra, you can look 5-10lbs lighter, and it’ll make even the cheapest T-shirt or sundress look ten times better.

When to save
Mac: A light mac is a great standby for drizzly days. You could splash out a couple of hundred pounds on a classic design that’ll last for ever, but though they’ll never date, they won’t exactly update your look either. Head for the High Street, and you can pick up a great mac with this season’s details for about £60. It’ll give your summer wardrobe an instant update, and at that price, it doesn’t have to last forever.
T-shirts: Every summer, magazines run ‘tried and tested features on the classic white T-shirt, and I’ve never yet seen one where the most expensive brands came out on top, especially after washing. The most important thing is to get a good fit for your shape, and you’re as likely to find that for £5 as for £50.
Sandals: Winter boots and shoes are worth splashing out on, because they’re usually styles that last from year to year, but sandals should be a fun, frivolous, one-season wonder. Try Primark and New Look for designer-inspired styles that are so cheap, you’ll want to buy one in every colour.
Bags: When it comes to leather, quality talks, but once the weather warms up, it’s nice to swap to light, summery straw and fabric bags, and that means you can get away with paying a lot less. Accessorize has a great selection, or check out the local markets when you go on holiday.

Mobile phone belt clips…

Who do you think you are? John Wayne?

Oh….. you do.

Well, ah hate ta break t’ya, son, but chu ain’t ever gone be no cowboy. Not even with 3 mobile phones riding your waist.

And with the ear piece you have on, you look like a wanna-be Neo/wanna-be John Wayne/gotta-be-a-loser on Britain’s Got Talent.

Off. Off. Off. Off.

Disney ties…

It’s been *scientifically-proven that men who wear Disney ties were dropped on their heads as children. So, this particular fashion faux-pas IS NOT THEIR FAULT, PEOPLE. Blame Mother.

I’ve written a song for these special, special people:

When you see a guy in a Disney tie
Retract the ‘tut, tuts’, the rolling of the eyes.
Seek within for the love you can give
Paris. Hilton. Elvis. Quiff
(*kinda, sorta. They make great lovers, too.)

Too much make-up…

I can’t see your face, dah-ling. Where’s it gone? Somewhere over the rainbow, you say.

Ha. Very funny.
NOT.
Thanks to the Hansel & Gretel trail you leave in your wake, I know where you live.

Nice flat.

Football t-shirts…

This is obviously a cry for help. Or an invitation to cry along with him. Or both.

The only time you should ever wear a football t-shirt into work is ….well…never.

Not even then.

(p.s: wearing a footie tee under your work shirt is a big no-no, too. DON’T DO IT. Just don’t. I love you too much to KICK YOUR ASS. But I will. If I have to. For the greater good. Queen and Country.)

White socks…

White socks only suit Michael Jackson.
And look what happened to him.

I think there should be a new generation of technically buffed-up, fashion-conscious white socks that are able to scan what a person’s wearing. If the wearer has office drags on, they’d give off a high-pitched Celine Dion shrill. That should do the trick.

But pray, what if the sock offender is a Celine Dion fan?

Then, that’s two offences. Their punishment: her album played backwards. That’s enough to drive anyone crazy.

High-heels…

If a gorgeous pair of Jimmy Choos makes you feel 10 feet tall, then…erm…that’s because they DO make you feel 10 feet tall.

If your head’s touching the ceiling, like you’re in frikkin Alice in Wonderland, then LOSE THE SHOES, PRONTO.

Tone it down to 2-3 inches max. Any higher, then I suggest you join the circus as a stilt walker.

‘Off the mark’ colours…

My eyes, My eyes. I can’t see, Mama, I can’t see.

Uh, oh – it’s neon blue today. Where’s my sunglasses?

If a hot-pink work shirt or tie makes you look like a frikkin anaemic human firefly, then pur-lease put me out of my misery, pretend you’re a stripper and take it off NOW.

(Another damn trip to the optician’s thanks to you. You’re lucky my healthcare covers it. Grrr.)

Image Credits
(img credit: freeparking)
(img credit: cote)
(img credit: Mel B)
(img credit: BC Mom)
(img credit: Xenia Antunes)
(img credit: Katie Tegtmeyer )
(img credit: Malias)

If you thought finding clothes in the right colour and size was tricky enough, get ready for shopping to become altogether more complicated: within a couple of years, scientists say, we could be choosing clothes not just on what they look like, but for what they can do for us. Companies like Philips, Hewlett Packard and Casio are working on ‘wearable technology’, that can turn our clothes into computers, phones, music systems and more, so instead of toting gadgets around with us, we’ll simply wear them.
Want music while you walk? You’ll be able to buy a jacket with a built-in MP3 player. Like to keep in touch? Computer technology embedded into fabric means you could send emails from your coat, via a drop-down keyboard in the cuff. Special fibres could be used to produce clothes that’ll cool you down or warm you up, as required, while with sat nav built into your skirt, you need never get lost again. For the hypochondriacs among us, there’ll be clothing that constantly monitors your heart rate and blood pressure, while paranoid parents can dress the kids in T-shirts with tracking devices (no word yet on whether they’ll be available in adult sizes for straying spouses).
Scientists at Bristol University have even worked on a jacket that can be set to beam out information about the wearer to other people with the same garments, so if you’re eyeing up someone in a bar, for example, your jacket could tune into his and report back that he’s a model railway enthusiast who lives with his mum and sixteen cats. Which should streamline the dating process quite a bit.
It all sounds thrillingly futuristic and Star Trekky, but couldn’t they just have invented clothes that washed, dried and ironed themselves instead? Now that’s what I’d call technology.