The following individuals obviously have something of a death wish on their hands (or should I say ‘on their heads’):

1. Camilla?…erm…Camilla?…

Ok, shall I go there?

I think I will. Wear a hat like that and you deserve all the tongue-lashing you get.

On second thoughts, you see the man behind her? His expression says it all.

WHAT ON EARTH was Camilla thinking?

Maybe she wore this as a joke – you know?, tongue-in-cheek like? - a bit of a middle-fingered na-na-na-na-na to the Queen, perhaps?

Or maybe she’s just a very wise woman and knows she can’t compete with Diana’s sense of fashion so figured she might as well let her hair (and stomach) down and just do her own thing.

Am I making excuses for Camilla? Maybe she really is that clueless when it comes to fashion.

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2. To Catch a Thief…

Officer, arrest this woman - she stole my bloody dustbin cover!

A pink hat? You call THAT a pink hat? A dustbin cover by any other name is still a dustbin cover. Now arrest this woman this instant.

Officer? Officer, I’m talking to you.

No, I have not been drinking. And, no, I do not need to go to Specsavers. That woman’s got my friggin dustbin cover and I friggin want it back.

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3. La Femme de Toilette…

Oh dear, any minute now and you’ll have a queue of people waiting to use ‘the loo’. Men will want to pee down her cleavage. And women will want to wee on her hair (putting paid to the expression that blondes have more fun. Not this time, lovey).

Or maybe she has a (sad) fetish and likes being peed on. So not hygienic - especially if said pee’rs and wee’rs just had a kebab washed down with a cheap can of cider from Lidl’s beforehand.

Don’t do it, love. It’ll turn your skin into mushrooms.

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4. Puff the Magic Dragon…

I’m convinced this woman is an activist. Must be. Surely.

She’s campaigning against all those cigar companies out there. The cigarette and ashtray sticking out the side of her head …is metaphorical.

Yes. She’s an activist. (go, you activist, you)

That’s my conclusion. And by God I’m sticking to it.

…because the alternative – that she just got up one day and felt like wearing THAT - is worrying and more terrifying than the threat of global warming. Me? Over-dramatic? Pray, tell me, am I the one with a giant cigarette butt sticking out the side of my head?

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5. Granny Funk’itude…

Now who’s been watching waaaaay too much Star Trek and feels a deep urge to change their name by deed poll to ‘Space. The Final Frontier’ but can’t find their birth certificate? Hmm? Yes, you, you funky eccentric granny that refuses to go quietly into the night.

We get that you went to the same primary school as Vivienne Westwood. We do We really do. Honest to William Shatner, we do.

But this contraption spinning on your head??? Come on, now, it’s a bit of a bacon sarnie short of a veggie picnic, don’t you think, grandma? Hmm?

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6. Granny Funky-don’t…

Is one seeing things, hmm? Surely this can’t be the same woman?

…except that now she thinks she’s some kind of ‘unicorn-stroke-antelope-stroke-devilwoman’ mythical hybrid.

Any minute now, her hubby will be her next victim. She will twist one of her horns round him and say “So you think my bum looks big in this, do ya?”

Nice shoes, though, so all’s forgiven. Are those Jimmy Choos by any chance?

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7.  Look Into My Eyyyyes…

I guess you’d have to cover your face with a straw hat like that, love. It looks like a burka gone terribly terribly wrong.

The woman in that pic is thinking “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, there’s a bloody cow chewing on my hat.” (p.s.: not Camilla).

The only hat of its kind ever made. I hope.

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8. Say ‘Blue Cheese’…

This lady, in an attempt to disguise a severe case of chronic body odour she’s had since childhood, has decided to wear a big hunk of smelly blue cheese on her head. That way, her B.O. will remain undetected.

And it’s working.

Now she can fit into society like everyone else.

The End.

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9. Holding onto My Hat….’cos it’s Mine, Mine, Miiiiiiiine…..

Spot the upside-down champagne glass.

Spot the Olympic torch.

And there’s nothing to look so chuffed about, lady. Believe me.

You’re going down for not only wearing a STOOPID hat…

…but for those nails.

Right, where’s me scissors?

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10.) Scarlet O’Ha-ha-ha…

“If you don’t like my hat, you’ll like my boobies, surely. Or my smile.” she says, a copy of London Metro in one hand, an embarrassed clenched fist in the other.

See that car in the distance? There’s a hired assassin in it.

Guess who’s the target?

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Did you know that you can tell the state of a country’s economy by the length of its skirts? I read in the paper the other day that hemlines begin to drop as recessions bite, and rise again when times get better: in the booms of the 20s and 60s, we got flapper dresses and mini skirts, but when economies plunged in the 30s and 70s, skirt lengths followed. At last, a silver lining to all those gloomy business reports: we might be skint but at least our knees will be warm.

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Personally, I think we’re all a bit less sheeplike about things like skirt lengths these days, but I do believe we look for different things when we’re buying clothes at a time like this. It’s a time for going back to basics, seeking out clothes that’ll work hard for our money, instead of one-season wonders that we’ll wear a few times and then get fed up with. We’re looking for timeless styles that we’ll never get tired of wearing, quality fabrics that’ll stay looking good, wear after wear, and versatile pieces we can dress up or down.

It’s a time to invest in the classics: a little black dress like this one, that’ll take you from desk to dinner with just a change of shoes and jewellery; a beautifully-cut black suit like this one, with a skirt and trousers for maximum wardrobe mileage; or a sleek black sweater you can wear with everything from jeans to a suit. You’ll love wearing them now, and you’ll still be wearing them – and loving them – when the credit crunch is just a distant memory.

Its back to black for this season and the response to our new website has been fantastic! The timing of our launch coincided brilliantly with the fact that Black is THE colour to wear for this winter. With the help of great press and lots of word of mouth, we have had many new and happy customers picking up on this trend and certain products have literally been flying off our rails. At times like these when we have all had to pull back on spending, investing in a few good quality pieces seems to be the way forward.

The fashion press and catwalks say its all about texture such as beading, sequins and intricate detailing. Decembers issue of Easy Living Magazine has championed our cause by featuring one of our LBD’s which is now our best selling product!  This most romantic party dress in black net, with a strappy top and knee length puffball skirt ticks many of the boxes for this seasons key looks . The satin sash ties under the bust or at the waist, and a built-in plunge bra means you can hit the dance floor with confidence this party season. Thanks to Easy Living, this dress is quickly flying off our rails so if you have your eye on it, don’t delay!  We’ve also got many more little black dresses on the site as well as lots more coming in throughout November so you can be sure to find the perfect little black dress for you.

1 ) Elizabeth Hurley – Four Weddings and a Versace Dress…

Liz Hurley was very much an ‘Elizabeth-who?’ on the celebrity radar. Yeah, yeah, she might have been dating Hugh Grant at the time…but…still…Elizabeth who?

But then came 1994 when she quickly became Elizabeth ‘Hamana-Hamana’ Hurley after rocking a very revealing black Versace number (held in place by big gold safety pins) at the opening night of the film her boyf was in (‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’).

And so, temporarily blinded by all those flashing camera lights, Liz stumbled her way down the red carpet into the arms of copious Estée Lauder modeling contracts and an Austin Powers’ movie or two.

Not bad for a night out, ey?

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2 ) Jennifer ‘J.Lo - Jenny from the Block’ Lopez…

Jennifer had already been making waves having released a very successful debut album and been in some really good films (one of them had gotten her a Golden Globe nomination).

So, Jenny from the Block was doing pretty much ok, thank you very much.

But then came the Grammy’s in 2000 and THAT GREEN VERSACE DRESS - yep, Versace again - and J.Lo and behold, she was catapulted to a whole new level of fame.

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3 ) Jodi Marsh…

She’s worn two itty-bitty belts across her chest – now she’s getting oh-so-very creative by – TA-DAAA – wearing only one.

What else is there to say, really? Our Jodi’s living up to what she’s (unfortunately) known for – getting attention in the tackiest way possible (which spells rock-bottom self-esteem (and chronic fashion) issues in my books).

What she needs is a warm blankie, a big tub of Ben & Jerry’s …and a friend.

But who’s going to tell her that?

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4 ) Bjork - That Swan Dress…

It must have been ‘oh so quiet’ when this quirkily-talented artist stepped on the red carpet at the 2001 Oscars with a swan tied round her neck (and a matching ‘egg’ handbag. I kid you not). She really would have made a much better entrance if she sashayed down the carpet with a live pet swan tied to a diamond-encrusted leash.

What they didn’t show was Paris Hilton’s chihuahua leaping out of Paris’s bag and feeding its bird fetish by latching onto Bjork’s ‘swan’ and shagging the feathers off it.

And, dear God, look at the saggy tights. An absolute big hoopla of a no-no.

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5 ) Kelly Brook – Snatch premiere – 2000…

Kelly, you’re gorgeous, hun – and you have a nice figure to boot. Thank God it looks like you enjoy your steak and kidney pie.

But, the thing is, we believed you all along, dear. You didn’t have to literally prove you had meat on your bones by wearing as little as possible.

Now. now, dear, put on some clothes before you catch a cold from Colin Farrell.

(p.s.: Sorry Julien McDonald, fashion designer to the stars, but it was actually not a very nice dress. You’re lucky Kelly wore it.)

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6 ) Celine Dion -  Oscars, 1999…

Oh Celine, Celine, Celine. No, no, no, no, no.

This is not stylish. There are no two ways about it. It’s a tuxedo that’s on back to front. Anyone would tell you that (and most people would listen. But not you.)

She could easily have dived back into the limo and quickly turned it around, but nope, Ms ‘Deline Cion’ partied down the Oscar red carpet like it was 1999. And it was. 1999, that is.

Everyone (give or take a couple of million) had a right old field day gawping at her piece of warbled fashion. She’s never quite been able to live it down ever since.

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7 ) Cher – The Oscars, 1988…

Ha, Kelly Brook - Cher was there way before you, hun.

Forget about the outfit for a minute: doesn’t that look more like Cher’s sister than Cher?

Anyway, Cher wore this number when she got an Oscar for the film, Moonstruck.

If you can believe it, this is not the most daring outfit she’s worn. Compared to the piece of string (leotard) she wore for her video, ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’, this outfit is a pair of real comfy pajamas.

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8 ) Rose McGowan – MTV Video Music Awards, 1998…

Not sure one can call this ‘an outfit’ as there’s not much of it, but anyway …

…apparently this ‘outfit’ covered about 1% of Rose’s body (does that include her brains, then?)

Oh, dear Lord, dear Lord.

Well, she got the attention she wanted, hitting the headlines with the force of a gorilla sitting on an ant.

(p.s.: She was going out with Marilyn Manson at the time. Me? Finger pointing? Never.)

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9 ) Lil Kim – MTV Video Music Awards, 1999…

Lil Kim probably saw Rose McGowan the year before and thought she’d do one better.

Though Kim’s outfit was not as revealing as Rose’s (she’d have to go starkers for that), she did stir things up on the red carpet when she went all purple - purple wig, purple jumpsuit, with, erm, half of the top part missing so that one of her ‘hey mammies’ was in full view (‘xcept for a little oyster-shaped piece of cloth covering her nipple).

Diana Ross seemed to like it. She gave Lil Kim’s exposed ‘chest fruit’ a right old jiggle on stage when she was presenting an award.

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10 ) Toni Braxton – Grammy’s, 2001…

Braxton quite literally showed us what she was made of in this little white get-up.

Her excuse for wearing this number was that she’d recently gotten hitched and wanted to don ‘something very sexy’.

But like Mariah Carey, Toni had progressively been wearing less and less in her music videos even before she got married.

So, nice try, girlfriend, but I ain’t buying it (the explanation …or the outfit).

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As you know, we have only been open a little while and it’s hard to know what the reaction to a new website is going to be out there but so far, the response to Basically Black has been fantastic.

Did you see last week’s episode of Trinny and Susannah Undress the Nation? The dynamic duo had it in for black clothes this time, saying British women wear far too  much black, and that it’s time we stopped. Claiming that they were going to disprove the ‘myth’ that black is slimming and flattering, they took a woman who loves wearing black, and dressed her first in the most shapeless, baggy, sacklike black clothes they could find, and then in a neat little red dress that fitted her perfectly. Surprise, surprise, the red outfit was judged more flattering, but come on ladies, isn’t that cheating just a little bit? I’d totally agree that the black outfit they chose did nothing for their model, but the same thing in red or blue or yellow would have been just as bad, if not worse. If you really think black isn’t slimming or flattering, why not compare two identical outfits in red and black?

What made me laugh even more is that both Trinny and Susannah are often either photographed in the press or appear in their own shows wearing black themselves!
There is absolutely no denying that black is one of the most versatile, chic and flattering colours a woman can wear and that is precisely why we all do! It would have made a lot more sense if Trinny and Susannah had talked more about how to wear black clothes and how to team them up with colours and accessories that will create fabulous outfits.

Whether it’s a classic little black dress or the perfect pair of black trousers, I don’t know a single woman who wouldn’t put something black on the list of clothes that make her feel confident, stylish and yes, slimmer as well. So sorry, Trinny and Susannah, but I don’t think you’re going to banish black any time soon!

Have you got a little black dress in your wardrobe, that takes you anywhere, always looks flattering, and never seems to date? Then congratulations: you’re wearing a fashion icon. The Fashion and Textile Museum in London is holding an exhibition devoted to the LBD, which it calls ‘an icon of modern dressing’.

Apparently, before Coco Chanel invented the Little Black Dress in 1926, black dresses were only for funerals and domestic servants; the sleeveless silk shift she created rewrote all the rules, and hasn’t been out of fashion since.

There’ll be over 60 on show, from designers including Zandra Rhodes, Biba, John Galliano, Nicole Farhi and Ben de Lisi, and celebrities have lent their own favourites (rather them than me; if I lent mine out, I’d be sure to find myself with nothing else to wear one night and have to break in to get it back).

There’s a Jean Muir that Joanna Lumley says ‘transformed her life’, the sexy Julian McDonald number that Victoria Beckham wore on the cover of her fashion book, and a vintage LBD owned by supermodel Erin O’Connor, who says she never travels anywhere without one. ‘It’s like a blank canvas that can be dressed up or down, whatever the occasion,’ she said at the opening. ‘I think when you buy your first LBD, it’s a sure sign you’ve grown up.’

If you want to see how your own little fashion icon measures up to the ones in the exhibition, it’s on until August 25, at the Fashion and Textile Museum, 83 Bermondsey Street, London SE1 3XF.

Audrey Hepburn’s dress…

One of the black Givenchy dresses made for Hepburn for the film, ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ was sold to an anonymous bidder for a whooping £467,200, far exceeding the £70,000 originally expected.

Yes. Audrey. Hepburn. Givenchy. Dress. £467,200.

That’s for one dress, not two. No freebies thrown in. Not even a copy of the film. Not even a little vial sample of Givenchy perfume.

Marilyn’s ‘Happy Birthday’ dress…

The cost fetched for Hepburn’s dress somewhat pales into the background when compared to how much was paid for the dress Marilyn Monroe wore when she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to the then U.S. President, J.F Kennedy, at Madison Square Gardens in 1962.

At $1,267,500, Marilyn’s dress went into the Guinness Book of World Records as the most expensive garment ever sold.

A Kitty Hoodie…

Is there really anything to say about this that it’s not saying about itself?

I don’t know whether to laugh …or laugh.

It looks strange, cute and scary - like Batman with seee-rious identity issues.

Upon the sight of this hoodie, cats will run, dogs will whimper, and parking attendants shall quickly cross over to the other side of the road.

It’s definitely making a statement. No doubt about that.

Is that yo’ fat wallet or are ya jus’ happy ta see meh…

In 2007, a pair of traditional Austrian ‘Lederhosen’ (knee-length leather trousers) was sold for 85,000 euros to a German living in Dubai.
This pair was apparently made from wild red deer skin and studded with 166 gold-set diamonds.

Three cheers for Wohlmuther, the Austrian designer who created them – if he can charge that much for them and get away with it, then hurrah to the next rich chump that comes along.

Hamburger Baby…

The first step to being at one with a cheeseburger …is to be at one with a cheeseburger.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

This baby looks way too cute in this outfit. He also looks a bit stuck where he is, like he’s thinking ‘I’ve gotta do some serious rocking back and forth so I can build up the momentum to get up.’

Too cute.

Diamond-encrusted Jeans…

The most expensive pair of jeans was launched at London Fashion Week back in February for a mere £640,000.

The ladies’ jeans - 27 inches at the waist (so only for skinny rich cows, then?) – is encrusted with 15 diamonds (each worth up to £135,000).

The first pair was bought by an ‘anonymous buyer’.

The diamonds are attached to each back pocket, so the wearer would have to be careful every time she used the ladies’ room. Can you imagine if one of those £135k babies fell in the loo??? Not funny.

(But funny)

How many pieces of black clothing do think you have in your wardrobe? Five? Ten? Well, if you’re the average British woman, research has shown that the number’s actually more like 47! Apparently, our wardrobes are typically over 40% black, and on average, we’ll own three pairs of black trousers, a pair of black jeans, three black skirts, two black dresses, six black jumpers, 12 black tops, five black coats and 12 pairs of black shoes and boots.
I don’t know about you, but that pretty much sums up my wardrobe, and personally, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s all very well fashion editors declaring that we should all be wearing ultramarine, or purple, but for those of us who have to throw together a smart outfit in ten minutes flat every morning, black is a godsend. You can dress it up or down, it goes with everything, and it stays looking fresh all day (as long as you avoid Persian cats!).
Black looks expensive, even when it’s not, and while other colours have their moment in the limelight, and then scream ‘last year’, black never goes out of style – those little black dresses Audrey Hepburn wore so beautifully would still take you anywhere today. And best of all, you can put it on, even on a fat day, and instantly look taller and slimmer. So forget diamonds – it’s black that’s a girl’s real best friend.

Is anyone else a bit, well, dazzled by some of the clothes in the shops this summer? The big, splashy prints, the yellows and the electric blues are all very well if you’re 16, but for those of us who won’t see 30 (OK, or 40) again, it’s all a bit too in your face; I don’t want to blend into the background, but I don’t want clothes that scream ‘look at me’ either.
If, like me, you’re looking for something a bit more chic and timeless, I don’t think you can go far wrong with black. We often think of it as a winter colour, but unlike summer’s brights, black looks great whether you have a tan or not, and of course it’s slimming too, which somehow feels even more important in summer, when there’s more of you on show.
Well-cut black linen trousers are a great alternative to the winter ones that most of us live in from September to May, while a sleeveless black shift dress is blissfully cool, yet still looks as though you mean business. At the weekend, a fitted black waistcoat instantly updates the classic white T-shirt and jeans combination, while a chic black sundress in crisp cotton is summer’s version of the classic little black dress, brilliantly easy to dress up or down for anything from a barbecue to a drinks party. And if you’re planning a holiday wardrobe, why not make it easy on yourself? Pack a capsule collection in black and white, and you won’t waste a second of your holiday wondering what to wear.